determination

I was running my 3 mile square a couple weeks back, and I noticed these little bumps on the black top.  They weren't in any sort of pattern, just random little bulges on the path.  Then a couple days ago, Faith and I were riding our bikes on the same square, and I saw what they were.  They were weeds.  These little tiny, fragile looking weeds that had poked through the tarred black top.  They didn't grow AROUND the black top, no, they poked right through it!  And they were all over, too!  It was amazing to me for a couple reasons.  First, I have planted many things in what I thought was optimal conditions, and they just don't make it.  And by optimal, I guess I mean not underneath blacktop.  And yet here are these tiny little weeds poking through the blacktop.  wow. 

But more philosophically, ahem, it's interesting to me how these lil things get what they need.  They need, sun, water, air - none of which are plentiful under that thick slab of tar.  So they start their journey, slowly, poking their leaves and stems upward, because they know that's the direction they need to go.  Obviously, there's no thought pattern or decision, etc, but still, they do what they need to do to survive. They grow, despite the obstacle in their way.  And if these little green weeds can do that, then I should be able to attack my obstacles, eh?

Mother's Day

So, it occurs to me this past Sunday, some things about giving.  Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable to receive.  I'd much rather be on the giving end, most times.  Not just with material gifts, but with acts of service, and compliments, credit for work, etc. 

Now, I haven't always been this way.  In fact, this seems to be a relatively new part of me, in the last couple years or so. In fact, it sort of surprises me.  My love language has always been gifts, giving and getting.  But lately, not so much.  I don't know why this changed, if it's normal, or even if it's permanent. 

So Mother's Day comes along, and I have to say, I did feel very special and honored, both by my husband and my kids.  But even as I loved the homemade gifts and the gift cards too, I think my biggest gift was seeing my girls ENJOY giving so much.  They were positively screeching with excitement to give me their presents.  They made a treasure hunt out of it, and I had to play the 'you're hot/cold' game to find them.  When they'd given me their gifts, they found stuff around the house to give me.  I even got a 'patch-patch' doll!  :) 

Anyway, I started to think that this is really really cool.  I think it's so important to teach giving, as I'm sure most Mom's would agree.  But there's also value in teaching them that it's okay for adults to be the honored one too.  If we underplay these days (Mother's / Father's, our birthdays, christmas present FROM them), then they may never cultivate that joy of giving.  Most kids don't need to taught the joy of receiving, it's true.  But there can be joy on both sides.  I'm learning that it's not mutually exclusive, for kids or for adults. 

Optimism Eludes Me, sometimes.

Sometimes, I think that things are just so hard. The day is hard, my life seems hard, what I have in front of me is overwhelming...you know, life. And then I get a glimpse, or a FULL frontal view of how wrong I am. My life, with all it's precarious balancing, never ending tasks, and the plethora of people who rely on me, is blessed.

I'm not trying to dismiss my challenges and hardships. I'm trying to keep it perspective.

I like to think that I am an optimist, but that may be overly optimistic on my part. No, I tend to get down, look at where my life falls short, complain about the things that are going on, etc. But I am blessed by my Lord and Savior, who gives me JUST ENOUGH optimism to remind me to look on the bright side when this happens. ha! Seriously, sometime gently, sometimes not-so-gently, I am re-reminded of what is good, what is pure, what is noble.

Regardless of my situation, no matter how bleak, or even how self-inflicted my pain might be, I have to choose - make a choice for - decide on- fix upon - gratitude. Daily.

Finally, ... whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philipians 4:8

fame

Why is fame so interesting to us? It must be something of a drudgery, some heavy duty yoke that you can't ever take off. Most of us, although not all of us, think it could be cool to be known, famously, for something. If it's a talent, skill, discovery or achievement, we want other people to know we stand out. But the reality of it is, most likely, one giant bummer. There's the lack of privacy, everyone knowing things about you that you'd prefer they didn't, and other aspects that I probably can't imagine. It seems like it would be better if we could embrace obscurity. I think the world would be so much better if we were all more 'servant-hearted'. If we could do things behind the scenes, help others, and not take any credit for it. Fame seeks out 'credit', obscurity tends to insure you don't get any. Ida know, just a thought.

fat

There is so much power in that three letter word. I mean, really. For me, it's more than just an adjective that's avoided at all costs. It can be an emotion, a state of being, a mood indicator, a challenge and motivator... and on and on. It's so loaded with cultural and personal meaning that to confront it head on is almost intolerable. So much easier to ignore it. Whether I'm on track, doing the things I know will help or incredibly sidetracked, I don't want to look at it: literally or figuratively.

If I'm working hard at working out and eating right, then I feel like I'm on top of the world, and I'm NOT fat, or at least I don't feel that way. My sister and I call it 'reverse anorexia'. Our images of ourselves don't match the mirror, but in the opposite way that anorexia patients view themselves. We will catch a glimse of ourselves in the mirror, and think, "NAH, that's just wrong! We don't REALLY look like that!"

And if I'm sidetracked, not tracking my food, and eating more than my body needs, then I just want to ignore the idea of being fat. If I wanted to confront it, well, I would workout!

More later. maybe.

Hives in bloom

I just hate going to the doctor. If you have a reason to go there, it means your life is being re-routed for a while and it's going to cost you. It costs you time, money, and some degree of discomfort. However, you don't really know to what extent for any of these.

So I woke up today covered in hives. Yesterday I saw a few red spots. Today, there were only a few non-red spots. Of course, they can't tell you what it's from or relieve the itching much either. Her official prognosis was that "you're in for a bad couple of days". Gee thanks. I'm now on prednisone, which promises increased appetite, trouble sleeping, mood swings, irritability and feeling "keyed up". So far, it's right on target.

On another note, I got to go to Target to get my script filled. So I had to look at every aisle. No use hurrying home or anything. Some days, I think Target has the ability to take over the world. I'm so brainwashed that I don't even care.

I just hope this goes away soon.