fat

There is so much power in that three letter word. I mean, really. For me, it's more than just an adjective that's avoided at all costs. It can be an emotion, a state of being, a mood indicator, a challenge and motivator... and on and on. It's so loaded with cultural and personal meaning that to confront it head on is almost intolerable. So much easier to ignore it. Whether I'm on track, doing the things I know will help or incredibly sidetracked, I don't want to look at it: literally or figuratively.

If I'm working hard at working out and eating right, then I feel like I'm on top of the world, and I'm NOT fat, or at least I don't feel that way. My sister and I call it 'reverse anorexia'. Our images of ourselves don't match the mirror, but in the opposite way that anorexia patients view themselves. We will catch a glimse of ourselves in the mirror, and think, "NAH, that's just wrong! We don't REALLY look like that!"

And if I'm sidetracked, not tracking my food, and eating more than my body needs, then I just want to ignore the idea of being fat. If I wanted to confront it, well, I would workout!

More later. maybe.